A Totally True Story for Glee
by MockingJ91
Summary: Crack: Finchel annoys everyone, and we find out why there are double standards between the hetero and homo couples.


**A TOTALLY TRUE STORY OF GLEE**

Rachel Berry flew into the choir room in a tirade of anger.

"Finn! We haven't kissed at all in the last hour! If we don't nobody will remember that we're dating and McKinely's star couple!" Rachel beamed up at Finn's bewildered face, still in shock after her abrupt and loud entrance into the empty choir room.

However, once Finn registered what she had said a wide smile stretches his face. "Yeah okay Rach." He began to lean down to kiss her but before he could Rachel slap her hand on Finn's mouth.

"Finn!" She gasped, "We can't kiss now, we need to wait there's someone to see us." Rachel nodded her head, her wide manic grin slightly scaring Finn.

"Erm, okay." Finn backed away and went to sulk in the front row of chairs. Rachel ignored him and started her vocal warm ups ready to sing whatever impulsive solo inevitably bursts out of her head. She was very confident though. She never forgot her words, she always knew the steps, and the band always hit the right notes. Despite absolutely no warning whatsoever for what she was going to say. _They're magic_, Rachel thought to herself, stars gleaming in her eyes.

She turned when she heard her other Glee club members walk in.

With a squeak she ran forward grabbed Finn's hands and pulled him out of his chair. Finn used to these antics grasped her waist as she jumped and proceeded to put his tongue down her throat, much to the joy of the other Gleeks. Er, I mean, Glee club members.

Mercedes groaned, "Do we have to watch this again?"

"Is he trying to eat her face?" Brittany asked Santana. "Like I told you the other hundred times Brittany, yes, yes her is." Santana replied, hooking her pinky with Brittany she led the other girl to the back of the room. The furthest away from the still kissing couple.

Blaine sighed and smiled at Finn and Rachel. "Come on, guys, they're in love." He leaned over to Kurt who for some strange reason sat behind Blaine rather than in the empty seat next to him. "Why don't we do that? I feel like we should. I love you too."

Kurt smiled adoringly at Blaine, before looking back to the Finchel still kissing with a look of disgust, "I don't know. Because it's Ohio, we'll get beaten up, the network won't let us and blah blah blah."

"What?"

"Nothing sweetie. We'll kiss when we go to yours. But before then we just have to give each other our legendary doting and affectionate gazes, and never touch. Because two guys touching is wrong." Kurt ended with a big patronising grin on his face, obviously pissed off beyond belief, still glaring at the kissing Finchel.

"Kurt, do you want me to kiss you?"

Kurt sighed, "I do, I really do Blaine. But there's this like force or something that's stopping me. It stopped me from sitting next to you, and now I, I can't lean forward."

The rest of the Glee club stopped staring at Finn and Rachel playing tonsil hockey longer enough to watch Kurt and Blaine struggle to close a three inch gap. It was as if an invisible presence had glued them to their chairs and holding back their arms so they couldn't even hold hands. Santana and Brittany winced in sympathy. While they could do friendly touched like link fingers, and rest their heads on each other's shoulders, as this is totally what all girls do with their friends, duh, they also felt something in the way whenever they tried to kiss in public too.

"You know, me and Mike might not be completely anti-PDA but you have to give us some credit for being, well, that," Tina pointed at the still kissing couple. Mercedes hummed in agreement and fist-pumped with Mike.

"I would much rather be watching you two snog and get your gay on than them two," Puck told Kurt waving a dismissive hand towards Finn and Rachel, who were still kissing.

Blaine, who was still trying to move towards Kurt heard Puck and whispered, "I told you he's our captain."

"Oh please, the world would rather watch Rachel and me kissing, and neither of us are even bisexual never mind gay," Quinn scoffed without even turning around.

"But what about the time when Santana taught you how to have fun without boys using scissors?"

Quinn froze and ignored her, while Santana just smirked like the cat that got the cream. Literally.

It was only once Mr Schue walked in, five minutes after everybody, that Rachel finally dislodged Finn's tongue from her mouth. Finn had a massive dopey smile on his face as he went to sit down next to Sam, who had noticed the drool around Finn's mouth, and had promptly started to scoot his chair away from him.

"Mr Shue, I have chosen the perfect love ballad for me and Finn, and we're gonna sing for all of you lucky people right now."

"Really Rachel. Is it any different than the other thirty, forty, or whatever the count is up to now, romantic ballads?"

"Yes," Rachel simply added. And then very quickly in addition began a ten minute rant into just why this song captured her and Finn's "perfect" relationship.

Once Rachel had sung her clichéd song, that said all the same things as the love song before it did, which had somehow changed from being a ballad to a solo, the whole of Glee club heaved a sigh of relief. Well, except for Brittany and Blaine. After all, the former's favourite song is 'My Headband', so is you think that is amazing, and everything else is pretty much mind-blowing. And the latter, well, he's just to polite and charming to do anything else other than applaud. Though what he's really thinking is, _I need a new bowtie. No! I NEED ALL THE BOWTIES!_ To which point he began smiling to himself staring off in the distance, _I wonder what Kurt would look like in that bowtie I brought the other day…What would he look like in just the bowtie…and nothing else. NO UNDAPPER THOUGHTS, UNDAPPER THOUGHTS!_

Blaine shook his head and snapped himself out of his thoughts just in time to catch Rachel, once she gave up on waiting for louder applause, go and sit down on Finn's lap. As soon as her skirt hit his legs, his hand instantly came up to caress her thigh. Rachel merely giggled in response and started to whip her hair back and forth.

All of Glee club, and Mr Schue, groaned at the scene. Then they groaned when they realised they agreed with Mr Schue.

"Okay can we please set up some ground rules in here?" Mercedes asked.

Mr Schue sighed long and loud, the way that only high school teachers know how to, "What do you mean?"

"I mean that the Finchel are not allowed their displays anymore."

"Oh, in favour," Kurt called his arm shooting straight up in the air.

"Aye," Quinn answered, and then followed very quickly in succession by familiar sounds of agreements.

"Excuse me!" Rachel yelled, jumping off Finn's lap, "I have you know that is discriminatory against us. We love each other and have the right to show it."

Kurt rolled his eyes, his arms tight across his chest, "Oh please Rachel, you wait until we walk into the room. You're at my house all the time, I've seen you!"

"Well…you're being heterophobic!"

Kurt eyes widened in disbelief, "Oh no she didn't."

Mercedes, similarly in shock, "Hell to no!"

There was suddenly a commotion at the back of the room. Sam, Mike and Puck were trying, and mostly failing, to hold back a very angry Santana, who seemed to have gotten even more creative with her insults given by the new angry words she was spitting out towards the now shrieking Rachel.

"Alright! Alright, enough! I am your teacher and you will listen to me because I so have authority. BE A MAN!" Mr Schue gestured at Finn, waving his arms and then clapping his hands over his ears as Rachel began to steadily reach a pitch that only dogs can hear.

Finn, inspired by Mr Schue and his totally appropriate relationship with the older man, stood up grabbed Rachel by the arms and shook her until she shut up.

"Now Rachel, do you remember when we first met? And you told me about all your dreams, that you were so sure and confident in? And you told me that nobody and certainly no man would stand in your way?" Finn smiled kindly down at Rachel as she nodded her head, "Yes. Good. Now do you remember how you took back everything you said then a couple of days, and is now basically a shell and have no direction without me? Yes, then shut up and make me happy by going to sit down."

Rachel sniffed at Santana and primly sat down.

"Thank you, Rachel. Santana – "

"Try and tell me what to do Shrek and I will rip off your hairy pin pricked nipples! Even if you and all your heterosexuality helped me cope with my homosexuality in a way that the actual homosexuals in this room, who have been through what I had, and my girlfriend, or any of my actual friends, couldn't do."

"Santana just calm down and sit. Let's just move on to talking about the set list."

Finn gasped and clutched at his chest in shock, "But Mr Schue! We never decide on the set list until at least two hours before we perform! We never lose that way. Well…apart from the times we did…"

Once Glee club had ended after a few more impulsive solos from Tina, Puck and Sam, which nobody sees, Mr Schue was about to dismiss everyone when Rachel leapt up from Finn's lap again and stood on her once vacant chair.

"My fellow Glee club members, and friends, me and Finn have an important announcement to make!" Rachel squeaked and clapped her hands excitedly, unaffected by the disinterested stares, or in Santana's case, glares, sent her way.

"Me and Finn…are getting married!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Kurt screamed.

Mercedes face palmed, Mike and Tina skipped out of the room holding hands thinking _We are still the most badass straight couple in Glee club, whoo! Asian power!,_ and Puck laughed so hard he fell out of his chair.

But the only thing anyone in the whole of Ohio could hear was Rachel shrieking as Santana, now free from Puck and Mike which meant Sam didn't stand a chance before being kneed in the balls, chasing Rachel around the school, still impressively shouting in Spanish.

Kurt did not grab Blaine's hand but he did go back to his house where they had awesome sex that nobody can be told about, even though they know it totally happened.

**THE END**


End file.
